“Mark… Mark….Mark… Hey! Wake up! You’re sca…”
1 hour ago…
Coming out of his bedroom, Mark rushed to the bathroom and does his daily routine. After a few minutes, he emerged from the steaming room dressed in a pair of Nike shorts and a t-shirt. On the way going down the stairs, Mark realized he had forgotten his knee pads and rushed to his room and retrieved them under his bed. Mark runs pasts his mother after walking down the stairs making his way toward the front door. Mark’s mother calls for him, “Hey! Mister! Come back here. Where do you think you’re going. You haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.”
“Can’t talk now. I’m gonna be late. I’ll tell you about it later. Love you,” replies Mark as he runs out of the front door, leaving it open. Today was the day that Mark’s best friend Ryan is going to teach him to ride a bike.
Under the burning hot sun, Mark ran in the direction of Ryan’s house. He bumped into Mary on the way and she stopped him. “Hey! Where are you going? What are you doing today?” Mark stopped for a brief second to catch his breath. “Got any plans for this summer? It’s been two weeks and I haven’t done anything yet.”
“I’m busy right now. I’m going to Ryan’s. He’s gonna teach me to ride a bike.”
“Cool! I’m coming too.”
“Fine… whatever. Don’t get in the way like you always do though.”
The two of them arrived at Ryan’s house just as he is pulling a bright blue bike out of the garage. He greets them and Ryan’s dad comes out of the garage. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” greeted Ryan’s father. Mark and Mary both say hi. “It looks shiny and all but this is pretty old,” Ryan’s father informed as he pointed to the bike. “I had it since I was a kid. I’ll be busy around the house today. If you three need any help, go find me in the front of the house.” After his words, Ryan’s dad leaves and Ryan starts teaching Mark to ride the bike in the alley. There were a few wooden posts here and there with wires suspended from the tops of each. There were a few garbage cans here and there.
“Okay, let’s get on with this,” said Ryan. “It’s hot out here. The faster you learn, the faster we can get back inside.” Under the sun, the temperature soared as Mark attempted to learn to ride the bike.
After half an hour of falling and wobbling and crashing into garbage cans, Mary grew impatient and said, “Geez. Hurry up already. It’s so hot out here. I’ll hold the back and you hold the front,” Mary addresses Ryan. They grabbed the bike while Mark is on and starts moving it forward.
“Hold on! Slow down!” screamed Mark. Mark wobbled left and right and Ryan backed away from the bike. Mary continued to push the bike blindly. “Hey! Stop!” Mark loses balance and falls off the bike, crashing his head into the post. Mark falls down and stays down for a couple of seconds.
Mary and Ryan both ran toward him and starts shaking him and calling his name.They find him unconscious. “Oh crap!” exclaimed Ryan. He runs to the front of the house to get his father.
Mary continues to shake Mark but he doesn’t wake up. “Mark… Mark….Mark… Hey! Wake up! You’re scaring me.”
"On the way going down the stairs, Mark realized he had forgotten his knee pads and rushed to his room and retrieved them under his bed." <-- It's a bit too wordy in my opinion. Try rewriting the sentence because right now it just sounds like a list of things that he did.
ReplyDelete**When talking about Ryan's Papa, stick to referring to him as Ryan's Dad or Ryan's Father, do not switch in between.
Good job overall (: Reminds me a lot about my childhood...Haha. Umm, the dialogue (formatting and stuffs) was pretty good :D Fun to read!
Thanks Loren. It was something I did over the summer... not really. All I did was fall and crash into street lights.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you wrote a story from something as simple as riding a bike. I also liked how you started with the ending making me wanting to read on and find out what happened.
ReplyDeleteNice little story. One thing to change is keeping it in the same tense (either past or present). I think the little flashback that you finish at the end really adds to the story. But instead of "1 hour ago" you could say 1 hour earlier. It just sounds a little better that way. Also you could describe a little who Mary is, cause it seemed like she just came out of nowhere. Otherwise, good job.
ReplyDelete